So – here’s the thing. I can see how some of you get to my site. If someone clicks a link to my blog in a forum I belong to – I can see that a person from that forum checked out my blog. With me so far? Okay. So I belong to quite a few forums. Yesterday I saw that I was getting a lot of hits from one in particular. I don’t post much in there anymore because it’s not a writing forum, but anyway – I logged in there to check out what the fuss was about because obviously it was about me.
Well, someone had started a rather unflattering thread about me and had questioned my absence. That isn’t what’s important. What’s important is that he wrote something I think just might be true and it makes me real sad – but there isn’t a lot I can do about it. Here’s what he wrote: “And she could just have a brain that doesn’t work right, to live in the world of today.”
I decided to post his comment because in my memoir I’m not sure I go into how I feel about being a human being in the first place. I remember being three years old and getting up at night after my parents had tucked me in bed. I’d close my bedroom door to block out the bathroom light, grab a few stuffed animals and pull my little white rocking chair over to the window to look at the stars. I really wanted to go back to them – even then. I remember looking at my parents and thinking “Who ARE these people and what am I doing here?”
I’ve always felt like a stranger – always. The brain is a curious thing. Then there’s debate about the human spirit, soul and God – yada yada yada. I believe we’re all here to learn – that we’re here so we/our spirits can evolve. I also think we choose to come here – to be born. So maybe when I was three years old and wanting to go back to the stars I already knew I’d made some HORRIFIC mistake by choosing to come here. I don’t know… Life has, for the most part – definitely not all of it, been painful for me.
Anyway – I’m not sure if it’s that my brain doesn’t work right – like the poster in the forum wrote or if it’s that I’ve never fully wanted to be here in the first place (maybe it’s both). In my last treatment center my counselor helped me acknowledge that I’ve never had both feet here – that I’ve always had one foot out the door – so to speak. Do any of you ever wonder why I post so many fucking pictures of space and stars and shit? Now you know.
So I’m just trying to get through life – same as everyone else. Sometimes things go smoothly and I own my game and sometimes I choose to escape. It hit me on my 38th birthday that my time here is temporary. Of course, I already knew that, but the message that day was loud and clear and it felt like a birthday present. I sighed in thanks and almost started to cry. I’m just passing through and knowing that makes me feel better. I’m sure some people think that’s a pretty fucked up thing to write. Oh, well.
I suppose this is sort of like a journal entry. Welcome to me.
:) Happy 1 May.